When Christians Quarrel: A Rough Guide to Dealing with Anger

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 Jamiethe Very Worst Missionary writes:

Sometimes we look pretty Godless, El Chupacabra (her husband) and I. And it's not because we're some hipster Christians who act that way on purpose to be “relevant” or something. It's because we're just not letting God in, to be part of what we're doing here on His Earth. We don't always seek Him, or listen to Him, or obey Him – even when we know we should. We look Godless sometimes because... well, we are Godless sometimes. And it's ugly. And sad.

This life has taken its toll on El Chupacabra and me, and how we've run short of Love and Grace and Mercy for one another. Having been married since we were children, we carry with us the tenderness of life long friends, but also the familiarity of inbred cousins. When we argue, which is often, we lose our minds – saying the same things again and again, and ending with a venomous chorus of “Screw you!”, “No, screw YOU!”, “NO, SCREW YOU!!” - until we're both just too tired to keep shouting about who ought to be screwed.

I read this, smile, and sigh!

I smile: she is being honest and liberating. Because sometimes even committed Christians “lose their minds,” as she says. And confessing your sins to one another, even on a blog, is liberating. Both for yourself: Chuck that mask--and for other people who similarly blow it, and secretly wonder if they are damaged goods, and inferior Christians.

And might otherwise be tempted to show the world the mask of who they are and hide the reality. Until the reality and the mask diverge so far that it becomes painful to share the reality. And they then begin to suspect everyone else of wearing masks!!

I sigh, because I recognize a former Roy and Anita.

I sigh, because that is simply not the way to deal with anger, as of course, Jamie knows.

·      * *

I have been married for 22 years and 3 months. Anger was a volatile issue in our marriage at first. I got help to deal with it in a constructive way.

There is huge energy and power in anger. It’s a red light that tells you something is wrong. Perhaps in you, or in the relationship, in the life you’re living, in the way you are being treated, in your idols, in your goals and priorities, in your attitude.

Anger is a protest and a cry for change—internal, within you, and external, in family or relationship dynamics.

Slowing down and processing your anger with Jesus, and with a trusted friend, or if possible, a good professional counsellor, is vital. It is a geyser within you. You can’t tell it sit down and be nice.

Listen to it, question it, talk to it, talk about it with others, make the necessary changes in your life, or attitude. Don’t ignore it, because this intruder will take over more and more of your thought-life, and heart. Make anger your ally to bring about constructive change.

* * *

So when our deep anger with each other began impacting our work, our sleep, our health, our parenting, I got help. So did Roy, separately.

Remember this about anger: You are responsible for your reactions. You are responsible for your behaviour. While it’s best if you change in tandem, as we now do, you can also change alone.

An older friend who was also training as a Christian therapist worked with me on anger, but using a professional framework. And I met weekly with a wonderful mentor.

She quoted her friends, missionaries to Africa: anger is akin to demonic possession. It’s no accident that in American conversation, the word “mad” is commonly used for angry. “It makes me so mad.” That made me more determined to get it under control.

How? The most useful tip is talking to Jesus. Telling him honestly how I feel. Just go on telling him. And once I’ve done it, shut up and listen to what he says.

I find thanking and praising God for all the good things in the person I am angry with also helps.

I really enjoy using reason, rather than emotion. What am I angry about? Can this situation be resolved? How would I like to see it resolved? If it is something that’s already happened, discuss why it happened, see what happened clearly, discuss how one can avoid repetitions.

* * *

But the absolute truth is: I did not really get control of my anger. Someone got control of me. I just cannot rise to the same heights of anger as I did. The sort of thing which would have set me off, I can now dispassionately consider, and decide on the best course of action. I guess my favourite lion changed my heart.

I think it’s God’s spirit in my heart, warning me, tempering my reactions, restraining me.  I very soon get tired of the shouting, and retreat to the cave of Christ to  let the lion lick my wounds, tell him my sob story, receive his balm for my spirit, and counsel with him as to how best to proceed. Or not. Sometimes other people’s outbursts can be ignored. Not every “screw you” needs to be one-upped!

You can simply ignore it, and retreat to the big lion-hug until the tempest is passed.