In which I forgive a pair of ecclesiastical rascals, and my soul finds peace

The Happiness of Those who Walk in Forgiveness, Irene at 5.

   Okay, so I am at this Revival Alliance Conference, listening to amazing speakers like Bill Johnson, John Arnott and Heidi Baker whom I’ve heard before and whose vision, talks and books I love, and Randy Clark, Che Ahn and Georgian Banov who are new to me. Amazing music by Martin Smith of Delirious.

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And the girls save a space for us, and the Rector of our old church which we attended for six and a half years, sits in front of them, turns around, and says, “Oh Golly!”

“I’m Zoe, Anita’s daughter,” my older teen says.

“I know,” he says. “Is she here?”

“Yes.”

“Oh golly!! Oh golly,” he says, and does not sound pleased.  Is on the phone to his wife, disappears. She comes and retrieves their jackets. They sit somewhere else.

Ah, there’s history!! As I’ve blogged here!!

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I had seen them earlier, was bouncing up to say Hi, then remembered my oblique posts dealing with the post-traumatic stress of being in that church, which had been so toxic for me, stopped mid-step, and turned round.

The girls tell me of their encounter in high amusement. I say, “Golly!” (Does anyone still say golly? Apparently so!) “They still haven’t forgiven me.” And feel a bit surprised and shocked.

And I ask myself a counter-question. Have I forgiven them?

Oh dear!!

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And if I haven’t, I decide I absolutely have to--to  progress in my spiritual walk.

Carol Arnott, introducing the Arnott’s book Grace and Forgiveness says learning to forgive is worth a trillion dollars.

Okay then, let’s put some of that trillion dollars in my wallet.

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On what point would you split company with Jesus? What is his most difficult saying?

The saying of Jesus which I find most outrageous, unfair, blood-boiling, ridiculous, and sublime is from the Sermon on the Mount.

It’s made me grit my teeth so often that I know it by heart:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you.

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But, but, but, but, but… Should you do good to your enemies when they sin against you? Should you not rather expose the deeds of darkness? Won’t keeping things silent perpetuate abusive behaviour so that others suffer?

How can you bless them, when you are powerless, and they are not, and you desperately want God to see justice done? And now, instead of asking God to blow the whistle on them, and soon, you are to bless them?

Pray for them? Not pray that God punishes them? But pray for them?

And do good to those who’ve harmed you?

And, talk about going to extremes, love them?

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Phil Vischer of Jellyfish Productions (and Creator of VeggieTales) said he wants to be a jellyfish in the tides of God, taking what God gives him, now riding a wave high, now resting.

Forgiveness is like that. You are leaving justice and vengeance and fairness to God; you are just floating in the ocean of God’s love. Perhaps, your eyes will see his justice on this earth. Perhaps not.

We can forgive if we change our focus.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

        Look full in His wonderful face,

                           And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

                                           In the light of His glory and grace.

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Ah, no more pussy-footing around.

I would either in obedience have to decide to do good to my enemies, bless them, and pray for them

Or part company with Jesus on this issue, quit following him who commanded me to  "whenever I stand praying release aught against any"

Who warned me that I would be tormented if I could not let go of the ways people had sinned against me—and that somehow my own sins would not be erased either (Mt. 18).

 There is a connection between forgiveness and creativity.  When I abide in the waterfall of God’s love and have it flow through me without meeting impediments of old grudges and old scores, God’s creativity is also more likely to flow through me.

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Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you.

How hard that sounds!! But that’s the paradox of following Jesus: he turns the bitter sweet. The cross, symbol of shame, becomes a symbol of blessing.

Jesus could just as easily have said:

Don’t hold on to anger; it will make you gain weight.

Don’t hold on to hatred; it will affect your sleep.

Don’t hold on to grudges; it’s uncreative.

Don’t hold on—you will become bitter; you’ll be less fun to be with.

Don’t hold on. Keep your palms open to the flow of God’s love.

So then, am I going to forgive these two ecclesiastical rascals?

Yes, once and for all, and completely. This is the last blog they are inspiring!! I am forgiving them, not for their sakes, but for my own.

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 Oh, how I wrestled to forgive them, and then suddenly forgiveness comes like a sweet stream.

And if I remember stuff again, will I struggle to forgive again?

 Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers says it takes 10,000 hours to master a craft. Well, it takes 10,000 steps to forgive.

But just as I persisted in the 10,000 hours it took to learn to write well, even though I fell backwards sometimes, and took long, long, breaks from writing, I will persist in the 10,000 steps it takes to forgive. And if I take one step backwards, and I will repent and take two steps forwards.

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So, goodbye, I will no longer write about you, barring clear direction from the Lord.

 Goodbye, I will ask the Spirit to give me a love for you.

 Goodbye, and I bless you with a return to your first love.

Goodbye, and I pray God uses you to bless those in your church as long as he is pleased to leave you there.

Goodbye, and I bless you with the Spirit of Sonship, that you may turn to the Father for the gifts you covet, and never seek to block the springs of giftedness in others, but may instead unblock the springs of the Father’s gifts in other people. I bless you with the Spirit of Sonship that trusts the Father for what you need, instead of using others to get what you want.

Goodbye, you who have blessed me with your prayers, your preaching, your counsel, and even your injustices which blocked the stream of my gifts, made them run underground and come up even stronger. Which forced me into the Father’s love, so that I came up even stronger.

Goodbye, for what you meant for evil, God meant for good.

Good bye, for bringing this sad, sordid and painful interlude of my church life to a conclusion beings me much peace

Good bye, God bless you, and I forgive you, and pray for you in the name of Jesus. Goodbye!